The Need for Silence...My Story

"Jen, we are moving this summer...to southern Oregon"

Those words are enough to drive a teenager into continuous, endless fits of crying...and I was no different...

I had spent all my life in the same little town in Washington State...I had made friends...I had become well-known for my theatre performances and my solos in concert and jazz choir concerts...I felt I was starting to make a name for myself. To hear my father tell me we were going to be moving was the last thing I needed. I had a boyfriend that I thought loved me, and a life that I thought was just beginning to blossom. Little did I know that my life and relationship was nothing like I had imagined it to be.

"Jen...look...I really thought I wanted a relationship...but...well...I think I just wanted to be friends with you from the start. I just don't want any sort of committment. Sorry."

It only lasted two weeks to the day.
A few weeks later...I had to choke back tears as I watched him walk around holding hands with his new girlfriend...an adorable blonde...

He never really spoke to me again.

That was the beginning.

We made the move in June of 1998. About eight hours and four stops later, we arrived at our new home. I remember sitting outside and watching the people walk by. They were all so tan...the girls were so skinny and so beautiful...and then there was me. The months between finding out about the move and actually moving had caused me to eat...and eat...and eat...and by the time we moved, I was almost 140 lbs...and I was barely five feet tall. I had long, dishwater blonde hair and was blindingly pale...so naturally, I felt just a tad insecure. My parents hugged me and said "Don't worry, Jennie...you WILL fit in here. This is the time of your life where you are just learning who you are. Give it time."

My summer was spent at home with my mother. By the time I walked through the doors of my new high school the first day of my junior year, I had not lost the weight, but I was a little more tan than I had been two months earlier. The weather was so much nicer!
The first day of school went well. The kids were very welcoming to me, and to my astonishment, in about a month I had lost the weight...and gained a new boyfriend. I had began making friends and was getting very active in my jazz choir activities, even taking on solos here and there.

About two months down the road...the problems began. It started out fairly small...

"*sigh* Well, what if I don't WANT to call you?!?!? I don't ALWAYS want to talk to you."

"oh...well...um...maybe tomorrow?"

"Yeah...whatever."

Then he began hanging up the phone on me in mid-sentence...when we weren't even arguing...I would be dumb enough to call him back and try to smooth things over.

Eventually, he started being sarcastic and rude to me in public...even going so far as to yell at me during lunch and storm off...leaving me alone...with everybody staring at me...and I still could not figure out what it was that I had done wrong!

"Jennifer...this is so stupid. It's over. Don't call me back because I don't want to talk to you."

"no! Please...no.noooo...I'm sorry...I really am...so sorry..please don't break up with me...I love you...please...I'm sorry...I'll do whatever you want..."

I got hung up on...the next day I somehow managed to beg enough for him to take me back...I was determined to make it work and not do whatever it was I had done to upset him and make him dump me. He asked me to go out to dinner and a movie with him in two weeks. I was so excited. We were going to go out!! Just the two of us! But...three days before...

"Look, Jen. The guys want to go out this weekend, so I won't be home if you call."

"...but...I thought..."

"*sigh* you thought what?"

"I thought...we were going to dinner and a movie..."

"*SIGH* Jen, what if I don't WANT to go out with you?? What if I would much RATHER go out with the guys? What then, huh???"

"but...why...why did you ask me if you didn't want to see me?"

"Did you EVER stop to think that maybe I made plans with you because I didn't have anything better to do??"

"oh...no...I didn't think of that...I'm sorry"

"*sigh* ok...FINE...I'll take you out instead!!"

I eventually talked him out of taking me out. I didn't want him to be upset with me. I lied and told my parents that he was sick and that's why we weren't going out. I knew they felt that he was a loser and would never take me out because he didn't really care about me...I just didn't want them to think that was true...so I would make up reasons as to why we never went out in an attempt to keep his image from fading with my parents...it had already faded.

Eventually...he broke up with me...a month later, he wanted me back...I made the mistake in taking me back.

One day, we were alone in his room. I was tired, so I laid down for awhile. I opened my eyes to see him right above me...I could feel his hands around my throat. He had a very loose grip...I could still breathe and talk.

"What are you doing? Why are you..."

His grip tightened.

"Please...don't...please...please let go...can't...breathe...I...love you..."

His grip tightened...I began fighting him...eventually he stopped...he curled up on the floor and started crying...begging for my forgiveness. I went to him, took him in my arms...

"oh sweetie...I know you didn't mean to do that...I know you didn't mean to...I forgive you..."

I felt that forgiveness would help...it didn't...

"You are just so stupid."

"I can't believe I even WANTED to be with you!"

"You are so ugly..."

"I can't even stand to LOOK at you!!!"

"At least I don't have the stupid looking birthmark on my forehead like YOU do."

"I can't even stomach the sight of you! Get away from me!!!"

"You are just disgusting...you just LOOK disgusting..."

...all of these things were said to me out of the blue...in classrooms...for no reason...when I hadn't said anything...when I was simply minding my business.

One day, I got a phone call from his mom. He had gotten in an argument and was on his way to my house. I was ecstatic. He had never come to me for help or support when he was upset...finally I would show him just how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. He pulled up in front of my house...I ran out to him and held him...

"Jen, where's your computer?"

"...what?"

"Where's your computer?"

"It's in the house...I thought you wanted to talk..."

"No, actually, I want you to type my thesis for drama. It's due tomorrow and I can't graduate if I don't have it done."

I typed his thesis...my mom made pizzas and brought him food and root beer...then...he goes off on me again and dumps me no more than five minutes after printing his paper out. I was devastated...I swore off relationships...I didn't realize how badly I had been damaged until I got into my next relationship. My trust had been shattered and I didn't realize that until I attempted the next relationship. I was tense whenever we were by ourselves...I feared that I would "mess everything up" again like I thought I had done before...

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The MIDI "Lonely Hearts" is used with permission and Copyright © 2001 Bruce DeBoer
Copyright © 2000, 2001 Heavenly Shades of Night are Falling,
all rights reserved and owned by Jennifer M., "DivaStarlet"
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