The Need for Silence...My Story

I fell into a deep depression early on into the relationship. My new boyfriend was there for me through it all...I truly felt he was the one and he brought me out of the depression. Two months later, he broke up with me...through e-mail, no less. He gave no real explanation...just said he felt it wasn't working out. I couldn't understand it. We hadn't fought...nothing...then I thought that it had been my depression...he insisted that wasn't the case. A month later, we got back together. I made every attempt to NOT get depressed again because I knew that had to be what had caused problems and found myself worrying if he didn't call or e-mail...but I forced myself to keep that bottled up...I didn't want to ruin things again. This guy was "the One" and I was NOT going to ruin things.

A few months later, he broke up with me again. The next five months were the worst of my life. It was a period of inconsistency...he would talk to me and tell me he loved me...that we were going to work things out...then the next time he would get mad at me because I wanted to see him but he wanted to go out with friends...then he would tell me he loved me again...I hit rock bottom and could not think of a reason to live. I felt that now I was ruining our "friendship" AND the possibility of ever starting over...

College began, and I met the sweetest, funniest guy I had ever known in my life...and found myself falling in love. I had went through a difficult time around the time of meeting this guy, and called my last boyfriend...looking for friendly support. I cried to him...he was there for me more than he had been in months...

The next day he said he wanted me back. For the next month I struggled trying to piece together what my heart was feeling...COULD I really trust him? After my ex before him and what had happened when we were together...I wasn't sure. He wasn't nearly as terrifying as my ex before him...he swore that things had changed...that he had changed...that the reason why he broke up with me before was because he did not know how to deal with the love that he was feeling for me, but that he did know now and that he wanted a second chance...to do things right...

I took him back after all. I had never been happier! He treated me wonderfully, I was so happy, I felt that my life was finally coming together. I had the love of my life back, things were going so well, and I had finally found the happiness I was seeking...but...it didn't last long. Less than a month after really starting our new relationship, he once again e-mailed me and broke up with me. I was not going to let this happen again. At 7:30 that morning I hurried to his apartment and tried to get him to re-think things...to find out why he had done this...and I got the same thing my last boyfriend in Washington had told me...that he just "wasn't ready for a relationship"...and yet...he kissed me and told me he loved me.

The next two months were a repeat of the mixed messages I was given the last time we broke up...kisses..."I Love You"s...then no communication whatsoever...I went through yet another difficult time...and he was there for me. I told him that I did not want support or friendship unless it was genuine and if he was going to keep the promises that he had made me of a fresh start...and he assured me that was the reason why he was there for me.

Once the troubles diminished...he e-mailed me telling me he had another girlfriend. And that if I could deal with that and abide by the terms he gave me, I would be allowed to see him.

I gave him the same treatment he gave me. I e-mailed him MY goodbye.

Since then, I found out that his kisses and "I Love You"s were given WHILE he was with this other girl...another nail in the coffin holding my heart. It was then that I realized, for the first time, that I had done nothing wrong...that I had been the victim in both relationships...that the things I had dealt with were abuse...

Now here I am, a month later, doing this page. This is a time of self-discovery for me. I am returning to myself...to the way I was before these things happened...except I am stronger, and proud of the fact that I found the courage and the strength to end what was happening...to make an important decision for myself.

So now I am single...and happier than I have ever been.

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The MIDI "Lonely Hearts" is used with permission and Copyright © 2001 Bruce DeBoer
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all rights reserved and owned by Jennifer M., "DivaStarlet"
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